mcdmck8's Xanga

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:49:08 GMT

Well now. I think it is about time to take the time to procrastinate and write...

Has it really not been ten years yet since I started college?

"Some things I wish I’d never seen, had never been, but so it is, so it is. If all I know is what I see, then certainty is what you are to me. Cleareyed...Blind me with love, make me blind, Cause I’ve seen too much, too much of this life. Now I only see you, only see you." -Glen Phillips, Cleareyed

"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now." -Bob Dylan, My Back Pages

"My clothes don't fit me no more. I walked a thousand miles just to slip this skin." -Bruce Springsteen, Streets of Philadelphia

"And I'm just passin' through on the way to somewhere. The destination's distant, but I don't care. I haven't yet arrived, but I'm not just starting. I'm somewhere in between." -Storyhill, Somewhere In Between

"You see it in the weather. You feel it in your bones. The dark distance comes sometime to the bright. Lightning glimpses of a somewhere brighter home." -Storyhill, The Great Divide

"But sister you know I'm so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on

When I am alone
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home
And here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love..."

-Alexi Murdoch, Orange Sky

A theology from lyrics. Something of the many things I have learned about myself lately is that I definitely have developed a theology based on films and music... hmm.

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." --Phil. 1: 9-11

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." --Eph 1:18-23

"Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.'" --1Corinthians 1:26-31

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:22:38 GMT

Alive and kickn'

Monday, December 03, 2007

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 20:09:54 GMT

I have retreated back into myself. The back burners are cooking away. But I think it's all ok. Christmas break will be interesting. I'll just be here. No Canada. No week long trips anywhere. Just Hattiesburg, for a solid month. A little depressing, maybe I'll finally read something. Maybe I will learn a language.

I'm realizing that I am a private person. I like to talk and share things, and I definitely like to unleash my thoughts, but lately I have been so unwilling to do it. I guess that is based on trust issues and the lack of interest to have myself vulnerable to misunderstandings and emotonal lava spills.

I need a haiku for my movement analysis class. We have to create a dance phrase and motif it (write it out with our labanotation). The phrase must be based on a haiku. The instructor has given us a list of haikus to choose from, but we can use other ones. So I am on the search now for a better haiku. I know nothing about how to write them... 5-7-5, but what to do with that is another question.

5-7-5 but what

to do with that

is another question

(is that a haiku?)

I'm tired and so ready to not be a college student anymore. Even though my plan is nothing close to clear after graduation in another 2 summers, I am ready to face it with my uncertaintity and dive in boldly.

It is funny. My friends and I were asking eachother these 'tabletalk' questions and some best-worst hypothetical questions last night, and there were a lot of relationship questions. And the idea that kept lashing its face in my head was, if I knew beforehand that my marriage was going to be mediocre, with a man I did not love or understand, lacking communication skills, would I still get married? A tough thought. If I knew that my spouse would abruptly turn into a completely different person (for the worst) after the first year of marriage, would I still say yes? Not that I have potentials floating around me at the time. No boyfirend in sight. But I am scared. I hate how observant and perceptive I am, because it ends up just intensifying my fear to move on and just live.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 21:28:57 GMT

You're brown bag special: Today, an environmental activist.

Yeah, I am realizing my potential to be a serious environmentalist. We have, afterall, been given dominion over the earth. We were not told to take advantage of this dominion, but care and respect and be responsible with this dominion. We were to supervise and protect creation, in order that it would be able to be fruitful and multiply. Productivity and Creativity.

At first I thought the "Human Element" commericals were a little loofy, but I get it now. The "human element" is that WE HUMANS are the only creature on this earth made in God's image and capable of making the choice of how to treat the environment. All the other parts of nature are under our care, and we are doing a terrible job at taking care of what we have been given.

And I am not talking about idolizing nature and the environment so that it is our sole obsession, but I think it is one of our responsibilities to care for it under God's rule, authority, and sovereignty.

I'm taking this 'technical writing' class this summer, and our final portfolio includes a Recommendation Report, in which we write about a local or state problem that we think should be addressed and solved. We are to write this report as if we will be sending the report, as a request, to the person that can 'make it happen'.

I hate this project, because I take these things so seriously. Before I started my research, I knew I would get sucked into what ever 'problem' I chose to work with, and so here I am... getting fired up about recycling programs and educational programs about caring for our environment.

Becoming healthier people seems to be on the minds of a lot of people in the US, finally, and yesterday I watched a report on CNN about what to do to resolve the obesity issues in the US population. I laughed when I heard the option of applying a Sin Tax to "unhealthy foods", similar to the tax placed on alcohol and tobacco. There was a mention of the invasion of rights of people with obesity. I don't know how that would play out.

But it seems to me that if we are trying to be healthier as individuals we have to have a healthier environment... It all ties together. If we have a healthy environment/community, then we'll inevitably become healthier individuals (to some extent). And if we become healthier individuals we will inevitably develop an increased awareness of the need for our surroundings and our communities to be healthier.

I made a harsh comment one morning when my family and I were eating some fresh, warm, deliciously heart disease coating doughnuts. I was responding to something, but I can't remember what to, and I said, "they're just catering to a fat nation."

We're a nation of glutonous consumers... And maybe ADHD has something to do with it as well. We're fast paced, always on the go, and just taking what we get and moving on... keeping up with the flow none the less. I was watching the Letterman Show last now, or Jay Leno, or Conan O-Brian... one of them had a comedian on the show that talked about ADD. It was pretty funny. He said that people with ADD these days are now only paying attention, since we have all the gadgets and heart attack initating stimulus every moment of every day.

We're an over weight, over stimulated, over catered, over consuming nation...

And the realist in me knows that its not a problem that can be fixed or "cured" in this lifetime of creation. SIN tax, a little ironic. By grace the earth hasn't been completely anialated by mankind, and ultimately by God...(that Flood thing, yeah), and by grace would we ever be able to make a difference and be aware of the need for a difference...it's His difference.

The Idealist in me wants it to all happen and be fixed overnight... even while well aware of the incapibility of human efforts.

It's funny to me how many people DO care about (or ahve an interest in) humanity and the environment... whether or not they profess Christ as their savior or believe in God at all...

To make this an even longer post, I could talk about the love of humanity some more. I was talking to a friend one night about the commands to love one another and the idea that "they will know we are Christians by our love." It is necessary at this point to figure out a real definition of love, because several religions out there that do not worship or acknowledge the one true God develop a faith that involves loving other people. Deep inside I believe all of those religions are based on the teachings of Christ and God's Law and the people are jsut blind to see what they are doing. But, if those other religions are using love as their main objective, than how is our love, as Christians, going to be different? hmm.

Just some thoughts, and distractions from my actual homework... to write this report.

I am Alive, and the musings that result.

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 17:15:59 GMT

This summer up to now,

I quit my job. No longer do I work with a now 14 year old boy with autism. That job had probably become part of my identity, but now, it's nothing. Even though I haven't really looked back at it, do I miss it. I miss the family.

I have been dancing and studying the muscoskeletal system. Kinesiology: the study of the muscoskeletal system and the biomechanics of human movement. It's great, and greatly exhausting. Dance really is what I want to do with my life. Atleast for now.

I was thinking about the idea that several people have about writing lists of all the things they want to do in life, and then breaking some of those points down into more detailed lists. It's not a bad idea. I have oogle amounts of things I "want" to do in life, but sometimes I feel pretty content in not actually getting to do them, knowing I can't do everything and can't be a part of everything. Also, majority of the things I would put on that list would be so random and unconnected, like owning a thrift/cosignment shop versus working on a horse ranch or living in Africa. I think I am just interested in thinking through it for once, and putting it all down to paper, so that I can visualize it all.

I went to the mall yesterday (on the fourth), and was surprised by the fact that the entire Camp Shelby (the local military base) was at the mall in uniform. It was fun though, and I felt proud. Heh. Sometimes I have imagined what it would be like if I became something like a 'warbride'. There is something pretty powerful about a person dedicating themselves to their country... that's big. I would love to be able to support a man doing that.

We'll see what comes... and what will become of my silly notions.

I think I have written about the problem of having expectations before, but I have been reminded multiple times this summer about how detrimental expectations can be to our lives and to the people we are conneted to. I have definitely been seeing the INFP in me this summer. It can be pretty brutal.

acknowledging and moving on.

One month and I'll be on a road/flying trip with my parents. We'll drive to St. Louis, fly to Seattle, drive to Victoria, BC (Canada), fly back to St. Louis, and then drive to Kentucky, and then drive back to little, ol', hot Mississippi. We're seeing the brothers, their families, and my dad's parents. Hoping it will be a constant state of enjoyment...not as scary as it sounds, to be traveling so much with my parents by myself.

I watched Stranger Than Fiction the other night. It was great. I just couldn't get over the part where he brought her "flours". It would be fun to own a bakery shop. Or atleast work in one... maybe that can be my next job, when I'm ready for one.

Ok, just wanted to pop in, get this off my head, and state that "I am Alive".

Monday, April 23, 2007

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 18:57:48 GMT

We have to complete this 5-part Wellness assessment for the wellness module of my health class, and it has really made me think... go figure.

Included are simply 5 very SHORT quizzes dealing with student stress, psychological wellbeing (is something wrong), Communication and Affection in my Relationship, wellbeing/satisfaction in life and self confidence during stress, and alcohol-abuse.

While I do not have a relationship as the quiz was asking for, I used it to look at my other relationships with friends and family... it made me feel a) like I really suck at relationships and b) that I need and depend on my relationships more than people seem to need and depend on me. :o( pity party for a moment and then I need to get over it I guess. I don't know.

satisfication, self-worth, and confidence were all lacking on the quiz results... As well as my stress score being nearly double the max amount. Statistics show that a score of 300 means a person has an 80% chance of getting sick in the near future. My score was 576. I guess that means I should be dead or in a coma.

back to the drawing board.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 17:33:57 GMT

Proof that my mind works differently...

After a discussion of the word adroitly, Aaron, the RUF intern here, mentioned that there is a variety of -onyms in english grammar (such as anonyms and synonyms). My instant response to this comment was that a word could go in all directions. First I imagined a diagram on paper of a single word with lines branching off to all of the possible -onym options... then I saw a 3-dimensional figure...branching off into infinity dimensions... the single word became a substance of matter and depth, that my senses could experience...

Aaron and I have talked here and there about the interesting ways that each mind works differently in certain situations, such as how people complete puzzles and combine numbers. There are completely different ways that people gather the information to complete the picture. I am fascinated by this... maybe I could write a dissertation on it...and get it out of my system.

I need to get things out of my head on a more regular basis. I talk a lot, but usually never about what I really need to talk about it... it's a bunch of lies!! Why do I internalize everything (good and bad) and feel so ashamed of letting it out? something to put in my pipe and smoke.

My performance in my dance classes is a reflection on my life. I am so insecure in my classes and just can't stop thinking about what people will think when I move and express myself in my movement. I have yet to be able to just do it. I love dance. And when I am by myself I dance fully and completely...surrendering my entire being, but as soon as I think one person is watching me I clam up and shut down. It is so frustrating and it kills me that I can't get over my social anxieties...something I really think I have a serious problem with... I tremble and my voice chokes up when I talk to people. I think this reaction is a result of both the person I am talking to and the content of what I am talking about...the content could even a trifle topic. Shyness is one thing, but I feel like my body shuts down, disabling me to have any sort of reasonale conversation.

At work yesterday I met 2 people that will possibily replace me when I quit my job at the end of May. The first 'applicant' was a college graduate with a degree in psychology. He has a huge amount of experience and education with autism. I was asked by Evan's mom to give him a description of the 'job' while she finished something, and I just couldn't say anything right. It was almost like I had no control over my mouth, I probably came off like I didn't give a crap about Evan or his family, and that I was completely ignorant and flat out stupid. It was a very humbling couple of hours. I have been burned out with this job for a very long time, and it has shown in every way that I respond and react to Evan and his personality quirks. Evan's mom described me to the 2nd of the 'applicants' as usually just "going with the flow" when it comes to working with Evan and figuring out my schedule for the family. When she said this it made me really think. In a lot of situations I do just go with the flow and get the job/task done with out saying anything about how it affects me or makes me feel. At first I am fine with it, but then that analytical, read-to-much-into-things side of me reevaluates and decides to freak out about what is going on. And this is where those lies come in... I avoid telling some one how I really feel about something and I internalize every thought.

rambling thoughts that I am going to have to rethink.

I talked to my brother, Scott, the other night for a couple hours. I NEEDED IT. But we talked a lot about believers and new believers, and what makes a Chrisitan. The heart is the most important matter, and is where everything else will fall into place according to God's plan of sanctification. Behaviors and actions are branches from the heart..and it makes me wonder more about where the heck my heart is...

Monday, April 09, 2007

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 21:44:16 GMT

epiphanies beyond epiphanies

______________________________________________________________

e·piph·a·ny

–noun, plural -nies.

1.	(initial capital letter) a Christian festival, observed on January 6, commemorating the manifestation of Christ to the gentiles in the persons of the Magi; Twelfth-day.

2.	an appearance or manifestation, esp. of a deity.

3.	a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

4.	a literary work or section of a work presenting, usually symbolically, such a moment of revelation and insight.

[Origin: 1275–1325; ME epiphanie < LL epiphanīa < LGk epipháneia, Gk: apparition, equiv. to epi- epi- + phan- (s. of phaínein to appear) + -eia -y³]

______________________________________________________________

and back to the point. I've realized that if I didn't want Evan to change, or to be different, then my job would be easier.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 16:36:09 GMT

There is so much more to come and I am rushing a life that I am not ready for... what's new?

colleague:
"whatcha been up to? How have you been?"

my dad:
"I am living in excessive reality"

a mixture a musings

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 06:57:35 GMT

Lately, a friend and I have been referencing to rainbows and dealing with the rain that ends, and begins, with a promise. We have amused ourselves with analogies of new puppies (wash us and we'll just go get dirty again) and seemingly never-ending stairwells, "in the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you"
overall...our topics were based on perseverence, suffering, and growth

And the thought that topped it all like a cherry was,
"You know, Dick, when life gives you lemon, just shut up and eat the damn lemons." -Harry Solomon, 3rd Rock from the Sun"

Other people do typically say it all best. It's funny that my thoughts are made complete with someone else's words.

This semester has been a head-load. I am learning budgeting skills, nutrition & wellness skils, and legal skills. I am pressing on through dance... my feet are not hurting this semester, which is amazing to me. I am excited. And I am becoming a beast. The dance department is creating beasts, not dancers. We do butt-loads (or should I butt-removals) of push-up and sit-up variations.

The other weekend I decided I wanted to go to graduate school for dance, Movement therapy in particular. Laban Movement analysis is also something I would study and become certified with in graduate school. Where will I go for this? Columbia University in Chicago. It is one of only 4-5 schools in the US that can certify movement therapists, AND really one of the only schools that actually has a real dance department. ... (I am just hoping I get in when the day comes)

so WHEN will I be doing this? When I finally graduate from undergraduate school in August 2009. That gives me a 6-year undergrad life-span. A degree (and certification) in Therapeutic Recreation... and a minor in Dance with approximately 40 hours of course work.

I could have graduated in Dec 08, but since my latest decision, I have also decided that taking more dance courses while I am in undergrad would be suprememly benefitial and just flat out good and enjoyable* for me. (a constant struggle, as I suck at perseverence)

Balancing family issues, work, personal issues, and school is not necessarily coming out to an equal balance, but I am managing...

all for the good of His people...

woopwoop

I went to the grocery store to get some soothing refreshments after a hard day at work, and when I showed the young cashier my ID, she told me I should go back to the haircut on my ID. She commented about how it was so short in the photo, and looked so much like what she typcially did with her hair. I responded qucikly and tiredly that that was about 2 1/2 years ago. When I was leaving the store I realized that I had lied. The picture was 4 1/2 years ago, hense I am now 21 1/2. If a complete stranger will tell me to cut my hair...maybe something is up. My hair is the longest it has been since I can really remember. But I am so very much missing the short funky style. The practicality of a pony-tail, doo-doo bun, up-out-of-my-face-and-off-my-neck fix on a daily basis is outweighing my desire for short hair... one day, one day.

OnWednesday, my ballet instructor told me I looked like a tense duck with my arms. As I tried to relax, and tried to imagine and think about relaxing, I managed to tense up even more... only I could go the complete opposite of the goal. How hard is it to release, relax, and feel the natural connectivity of the arms to the body? pretty dang hard. And I am thinking I hurt my back (under my scapulas) this afternoon trying some 'release' exercises to 'relax' in my shoulders and arms. This can't be right. Avoid pain, the goal is to move away from pain.

I need a serious back massage...